Friday, December 25, 2009

Pre-baby game plan...

So I'm pretty sure there are two trains of thought every woman has when the piss stick gives them the green light on pregnancy.

Train A: fear, concern and worry about how they are going to raise their child.

Train B: I'm going to parent better than any other parent in the history of parenting :).

I'm sure one or both thoughts are perfectly least I hope so. I find myself moving onto platform B these days and the perfect image of my life is forming in my mind. Oh sure I worried a bit at first but now that I'm at the halfway mark I am planning like a mofo!. The rational me knows things are not likely to stay on the right track for too long but the daydreamer in me has a dream of my new life as super mom!!!. Hell, why not strive for super mom, goals are good right?. So as far fetched and over the top as it all may sound I will introduce you to my Martha Stewart/ Stepford wife stay at home mom fantasy!! ( moms with experience feel free to laugh loudly)

My ideal birth will be me handling my contractions like a pro at home, I will wait until the absolute last minute to check into the hospital and ask the doctors to take a step back unless I need their assistance for emergency purposes. In fact, I plan on underplaying my contractions for the nursing staff in an attempt to do the whole deed on my own and have the doctor pop in after for the check up. Also if its a boy hes getting the snip while we are there, no hooded turtle heads living under my roof.

I'm not planning on co sleeping, there is something a bit creepy about it to me (sorry co-sleepers) I'm not opposed to a bassinet for the first few months, nothing is wrong with keeping baby close~but at some point it becomes smother motherish .Two things have always struck me as being a bit more for Mom's comfort and security than for babies~ breast feeding and co sleeping. Don't get me wrong I know the benefits of breast milk, the feeding process just grosses me out. I plan on pumping and mixing up babies routine with breast milk and formula. Formula is supposed to take a bit longer for baby to digest so it will be the before bedtime meal in an attempt to reduce night time feedings. Also whats the point of weaning a baby twice from boobie-bottle than bottle-solids. I will wean once bottle-solids while still giving baby the essential nutrients required, plus I don't have to be my babies hostage~anyone (Chris) can feed the baby if I'm needing a bit of a break.

Television is going to be a big NO for baby and highly restricted for a toddler and child. I have already nabbed many Jim Henson classics such as storyteller/ Muppet's and I plan on getting classic Sesame Street from the 70's and 80's. You know shows where the characters actually spoke the F*cking English language, Not this 'Teletubby'/'Boobah'/or 'In the night garden' gibberish.

BTW am I the only one who thinks the Boobah's look like glittering hairy sacs with unfortunately tiny little pecker heads?. If your able to find them in the toy store take a good look ~their eyebrows are even ribbed for her pleasure.

Or worse still the shows like 'Max and Ruby' or 'Caillou' where the characters all talk slow and simple like they are recovering from a bloody stroke. Children are sponges looking at the world around them for guidance on how to behave and become normal functioning members of society, If you only expose your children to morons and simpletons you'll get what you put into their learning experience. I think I would rather take my kids to the public library instead, encouraging an early love of books can only be a benefit down the road anyhow.

Brightly colored tacky and useless toys (sorry Fisher Price)~Nope!. Automated toys requiring batteries that move/ talk and make other loud annoying sounds will be a no. I'm so glad Chris and I agree on this point. We would rather give our kids toys that force them to use their own imagination in game play than toys that pretty much do all the playing without the child's assistance at all. Some Lego/ action figures/ rubber dinosaurs/ puppets/ play dough and other classics should do the trick, Tickle-Me-Elmo's of the future need not apply. Also for no real reason at all other then it randomly annoys me I'm putting a ban on toy cars/ car outfits and any other baby grease monkey gear. My kids can have cars when they get a damn job and buy a real one, maybe it will act as a super motivator for them to find that first job as a way of "rebelling" against can hope!. I would also rather they played with toy swords and knight style warriors than soldier toys and toy guns. In a weird way I find it disrespectful to those who have died in wars like WW1,WW2 defending peoples rights and freedoms and to those families who have lost loved ones in Iraq/Afghanistan to make a game of modern war and death. As for ancient warfare, those people don't have any living relatives still mourning their loss.

To work or not to work? Ideally I will not work or only work one or two days for some spending $$$ but only if Chris is able to watch the children on those days. If I'm making shitty customer service style wages I refuse to pay some baby sitter full time. I certainly wont miss out on raising my own children to bring home a piddly $2-3 dollars an hour after childcare and commuting costs. Maybe I will even take in a child or two and watch them with my own to make some extra $$$ while I'm at home. But that will have to wait until my own child is a bit older and more eager to try his/her hand at some Independence, I don't want to sacrifice prime baby-mom bonding time to wrangle other peoples kids.

I think being a homemaker will be fun, keep the house clean, make healthy food for me and the family, spend more time with the baby and puppies. No more being friendly to arseholes I would rather bitch slap in the customer service industry. I would love to go full on Stepford, sew some cute 50's style frocks to wear around home, accessorised with a cute apron. Make awesome Bento style lunches, throw fun little dinner parties every so often to showcase my newly well honed culinary skills :).

I am also in love with the idea of Homeschooling. I know three teachers out here pretty well and have spoken briefly to a few more and the general consensus is children these days are horrible little self absorbed terrors. The Maritime School system is a complete joke, they don't do spelling tests, they are not allowed to fail a child for fear of "hurting their feelings", they were even talking about removing french from the mandatory curriculum because kids found it too hard. The parent who advocated loud and proud for this on the local news was a mother of a highly Autistic child~ so apparently ALL the children have to have school dumbed down now so the few special needs kids can keep up. Not to be a huge bitch (sorry P.C world)~ but how many of the special needs children will be entering the work force full time and paying taxes, as opposed to receiving government assistance to live off of?. Should an entire generations education suffer to avoid hurting a handful of kids feelings?. Fucking hippies running this country on 'the happy face sticker system' I cant wait until people with some common sense take charge again, if not humanity as a whole is doomed.

So in a nutshell my goal is to bring back the good old fashion era of parenting, you know the one where you taught your kids empathy, manners, responsibility. Techniques included: quality time where you teach through personal example instead of letting some underpaid immigrant clean your house and raise your kids for you. Discipline when your child acts out of hand rather than negotiating and pleading with your child when they act out ~If they want a democracy they can get one when they pay taxes and contribute to household bills like the rest of us!. Chores, learning how to cook and clean will only help your kid when he/she is college age and moving out on their own, macaroni and cheese should be a choice not a forced lifestyle condition due to lack of proper skills. It also wont hurt your kids to earn an allowance or a toy through hard work, good work ethics never go out of style and handing your child everything for free is not a helpful life lesson for the real world. Last but not least lets not let classic parenting phrases go the way of the Dinosaur thus depriving future generations of great sayings such as...

"don't make me come back there!" or alternately "so help me God I will turn this car around".

"Who do you think I am David Rockefeller?" or the classic " I'm not paying to heat the whole neighbourhood close that door"

"If you keep it up I will give you something to cry about"

Honestly ask yourself this question can future generations possibly thrive successfully without these parenting staples? I say take a look around at today's kids and you'll find the proof is in the pudding!.

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