mixed feelings....

I am ready to have a baby! a cute innocent helpless little bundle of love and need in my life. When I think of holding him (him: I don't want to write 'it' or 'him/her' every two seconds) or rocking him, feeding and snuggling him I get that warm excited feeling in my heart and cant wait for the time to come to meet my baby. Pictures of crying babies gummy little mouths make me smile and I'm super pumped to roll my first baby burrito. Babies make me happy, even when they are screaming and upset because lets face it we all know they cant help themselves and something about a sad baby brings out the nurture instinct in most people with a beating heart. I'm ready to be both patient loving mom and life chronicler chasing my baby around with a camera like a national geographic crew, capturing every cute and precious moment I can.

That being said.....I'm not sure if its my natural lack of patience coupled with some grumpy hormones~ but I can no longer stand little kids. Snotty noses, grabbing hands, screeching voices going "I WANT, I WANT!!!" as they tear through stores causing mayhem and sound pollution. Unnecessary waterworks coupled with red scrunched up gremlin faces, demanding all in life to be handed into their filthy/ grubby little paws. Its enough to make you wish for the good old days of "the belt" when you see these demon spawn surging through store aisles. Hell give me that belt, I'll volunteer to go all Indiana Jones on them for their parents if it makes the job easier for all involved.

The more tiny terrors running amuck everywhere I go makes me seriously wonder some days just what the hell I have gotten myself into. I don't want to be the person at the restaurant who's ruining everyone Else's night out because of the tantrums coming from my table. Or the person who is responsible for one of the many screams of agony that make the Walmart sound like a bloody torture chamber the second you waltz through the door.

Or even worse still, I don't want to walk up to the cash register with the stupid kid talking like a "baby" and making an ass out of himself in a vain attempt to get some attention.

What happened? I used to like children, in fact I used to like them a heck of allot more than most adults. Maybe it was because I had the option of walking away when I had had enough .In a few more years that option will not be there, I will be in the very eye of the storm when a piece of candy turns into a life or death matter, or when someone decided a random punch to his or her sibling was a good idea. I'm starting to think maybe I never really wanted kids but nature just fooled my brain into thinking this was a good idea!!! Maybe I can find a trade in program, you give me your baby and I will raise it until its two or three then he or she is all yours again, complete with functioning motor skills and the ability to wipe its own ass. Do you think anyone else would go in for an offer like that? NO, hell it was worth a shot!.

Everyone says its different when its your own child, that having a baby was the best thing that ever happened to them....good lord I hope they are right~ because as it stands I'm squirreling away money for anger management and therapy at this point!!!